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Will to Live

  • CANCER - My Magical Mystery Tour (MMT) or THIS IS absolutely, categorically, indubitably and seriously, seriously NOT a (BLEEP) journey! January 2016

      14 January 2016

    Faithful Friends,

    I just took a moment to breathe (awfully useful when one forgets sometimes) to sit and reflect that this time last year I was to have my first Chemo session. So busy reflecting that I haven’t hailed you all and said Happy 2016, or thought to convey how profoundly grateful I am to you …I am, I hope you know.

    HAPPY 2016! May you give up on all the goals that you have to use every ounce of will power and every bit of grit and determination to achieve, and be a little kinder to yourself and eat more veg :D

    Many of you have been through the wringer with your health or the health (physical/mental and emotional) of a loved one. Some have crossed the veil, becoming the gentle whisperings of spirits that imbue hearts and minds with their gentle essence. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    I am feeling fantastically well to be fair, not that I would know…on the medical front, metastatic disease is an odd bod in that way. My sister, bless her heart, said recently, “People are always asking me how you are. I never do know (slight pause…we were on the beach, quickly becoming like Olaf in a Japanese steam room, so taking a breath here was quite acceptable) when are you going to get sick?” It’s a fair question and one that I have absolutely NO answer to. I just know I am not sick today and probably won’t be tomorrow either!

    You know that age ol’ principle that when you make space (i.e. in this case my giving up all the “shoulds” in life) something else comes along and fills it…

    I just caught myself saying, ‘who in their right mind does this?’ Well, here goes…

    * I have started my own Wellness and Lifestyle coaching business.

    * I have signed up to do a graduate diploma in lifestyle medicine.

    * And I’m in negotiations about being a wellness and lifestyle coach on radio (ok the radio show host texted me and I said yes… ‘negotiation’ just sounds posh). BTW here is the last one I did: https://soundcloud.com/woman-the-radio-show/breast-cancer-empowerment-through-choice?utm_source=soundcloud&utm_campaign=share&utm_medium=facebook.

    * The article in the magazine (I haven’t seen it...Women's Day/Weekly, something like that) has come out. I imagine you might find it in a doctors surgery, or up in one of the many tramping huts’ long drops as bog roll, or jammed in a door to stop it rattling somewhere most like?? Regardless...recycle it :D

    To be fit and fabulous, I am using your kind gifts of love to enable me to maintain my drug of choice – carrots. I am juicing 18kg a week of organic carrots along with beetroot, lemon and a simply revolting gag inducing green juice. I still see the medical herbalist (and get supplements that costs around $1000 each time) and a few random treatments like osteopathy and acupuncture and I remain very open to anything else that I ‘feel’ right about.

    Thank you for enabling me to have that choice.

    I do have my moments of self-doubt? It sounds a bit like this, “Who do you think you are? What makes you think you are any different to anyone else?” and conversely like this, “If just one person out there has cured themselves, then why not you?” So you can imagine it’s a bit like a chewed up toffee in my head sometimes.

    I don’t pretend to be brave or courageous, and am incredibly uncomfortable when folk say that to me, because I am NOT any of those things, I am just me.

    Whaia te maramatanga…..seek enlightenment

    Go well, Wil xx

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  • CANCER - My Magical Mystery Tour (MMT) or THIS IS absolutely, categorically, indubitably and seriously, seriously NOT a (BLEEP) journey! Oct/Nov 2015

      26 November 2015

    Dear Beautiful Beings of Bountifulness (is that a word??)

    I am supersonically aware that it has taken me some time to put words to page. Suffice to say, there has been a lot to process.

    How Was IT (Gawler)?

    Imagine putting 16 complete strangers (15 Aussies no less!!) amidst 40 acres with everything laid on, Skippy and co. running wild and free, temps between 24-37 degrees and what have you got?? A damn good excuse for a barbie. Throw in a life changing diagnosis of cancer and you have a profoundly unique and moving experience that will stay with me, as will the people I shared this part of my MMT with, for as long as I live.

    What Did You Do?

    Well it probably isn’t what you were asking, but…I was a little astounded that I started to cry within minutes of arriving at Gawler. I guess I hadn’t realized how much I was holding it all in, how I had simply “got on with it” (if you want more in depth details of the day to day stuff flick me a message and I can fill you in)

    What Have You come Home With?

    HOPE

    What was Hard for You?

    * A lot of it was hard and confronting, facing my deep-rooted fear of not being around for my girls and growing old with Charles.

    * Writing a Will (I know we do have to do that still) and facing the reality that Charles may meet someone else and the girls may have a step mother/siblings.

    * The practical stuff, access codes to my accounts, leaving my half of the house to my girls (but then thinking, ‘If C meets someone new with little ones, how unfair it is that they get less and they have all become family’...I am still working on that one!!)

    * Planning MY funeral (Christmas carols, bring a plate, no black and I will do some of the talking!!) and deciding the whole where/how/what to do as death approaches thing. (Eco coffin and a willow tree planted thank you very much)

    Changes You are Making?

    *I have decided not to see my surgeon for the time being, does that sound risky? I know it seems so for some, but I will keep seeing my oncologist. Why? I don’t intend, at this point, to have surgery. It’s that simple.

    * I have done a lot of research and realize I can source a lot of the treatment that would be in Germany or elsewhere here in NZ. It is expensive but it is what it is. You, yes YOU make that possible, xx

    * I am juicing 4 times a day, meditating 2 times a day and working at being mindful in all that I do. I’m also exercising gently for 30 minutes most days and eating organically.

    * I am a planner and sit very much in my “head” (i.e. I think A LOT) I had arranged to start the Art course, a yoga course and a life coach session. I know all these things are good, but I recognized that yet again, even in this, I am doing what I think I should be, rather than allowing it to come from within (intuition/prompting/spirit) I’m not sure if that makes sense to any of you but it does to me!!) So, I canned all those things and feel right about that for now.

    Yes, there is more.

    FYI the interview for the other “mag” is done; it will come out at Christmas.

    * have been on a radio show as a “wellness coach” (yes of course there is a story behind that!!)

    * and turned 49. Charles sweetly gave me birthday number 49 candles and said, ‘We’ve just got to turn it around…94 sounds good to me!!’

    If my experience can help you or anyone experiencing similar please get in touch I will respond, am happy to share…GO WELL!!

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  • CANCER - My Magical Mystery Tour (MMT) or THIS IS absolutely, categorically, indubitably and seriously, seriously NOT a (BLEEP) journey! September 2015

      24 September 2015

    Gidday Glorious Guardians

    Holy guacamole batman, I can’t believe it. I have 4 more sleeps until I go to “Gawler”.

    Why is it that when you want something to happen fast it seems to take forever? Like seriously painstakingly forever, and then when it’s only days away, father or mother time (or more than likely some cheeky child time) fast forwards it at supersonic magic fantastic speed.

    ON GOING:

    I am a little distracted, nervous, excited, a little fearful, sad, happy and also uncertain. That about runs the whole gamete of emotions! At the same time it feels good to be doing something proactive.

    ON GOINGS ON:

    Decisions: I have decided to send my body only positive messages...so from now on if anyone asks me how I am; it’s “Doing great thanks, really well, feeling fantastic”. I recognize that what I say to my body gets heard. Having declined to have my last chemo back in June, I found myself on the scheduled chemo day, feeling awful…tired, sick, and achy.

    I took my body into the shower and spat the dummy (gave it a good talking to). It sort of went like this,

    “You know what? You didn’t actually HAVE chemo today. You are perfectly fine and healthy. You do NOT have another dose of poisons or toxic waste going through your body, so get with the program, get over yourself and move on!!” It worked!

    Acupuncture: I have sat with a lot of chemo related STUFF in my body, so I toddled off to a recommended acupuncturist, to see if he could help with hot flushes, sacral pain (due to earlier mentioned landing on said area whilst skating), hip pain, and getting my ‘qi’ moving in my body to help stimulate my immune system.

    It is a weird thing I think, to have little pins/needles in the most interesting and often uncomfortable of places, and yet I ‘felt’ it when he got an area that needed to ‘flow’ better…gosh that does sound airy fairy, but you will know what I mean if you have had acupuncture and well, I guess not if you haven’t! Something I will absolutely do again in the future.

    Qi Gong is an ancient form of healing. Opening the energy centres, and creating an exchange of energy between the universe and my body, so my first Qi Gong session with Master Fan had me imagining/feeling a ‘qi’ ball between my hands. More on this I think, (that was not Yoda :D) when I do more and learn more!

    Life coach Light bulb moment!

    “You are in a NEW CITY and YOU need to create a NEW MAP”.

    I have to admit it is a bewildering time, especially at 3am and it is hard to know how to move forward. This really helped me to see that I can’t go forward by going backward or, sticking to the map analogy, I can’t use a London map in New Zealand.

    The great thing about that is, I get to be in charge of creating that map, the down side is, I get to be in charge of creating that map!

    Art Therapy: This continues to illuminate my ‘dark’ side (gosh I am going all Star Wars here) gently exploring my own beliefs about myself and kicking some into touch. I have registered for a one day a week art course and have got in, so that starts when I get back for term 4.

    Interview: Done and dusted - for the PORSE mag, ‘Let’s Porse’. I have still to do the more widely read one.

    Books: I am reading

    'Never Fear Cancer Again' by Raymond Francis. Seriously not for the faint hearted but gives real insight into allopathic treatment for cancer and why they don’t generally work as well as all the right things to be doing for your body and WHY. It’s a go-to book for those interested in doing all they can to self-heal.

    'Goddesses are Ageless' by Christiane Northrop MD. Possibly the most balanced approach by a medical professional in the most holistic of ways, just a brilliant guide for all women, as are all her other books actually.

    Looking into: Working with a journey practitioner and Quantum Jumping (I know nothing about either but they spark my interest and don’t think they require a parachute!)

    Ok I gotta go pack…oh that’s right, I can’t as Sacha has all her farm stuff still in the bag (she’s just spent 2 weeks on an amazing farm) goodness knows what will crawl out LOL

    October’s update will be full of my Gawler experience. I look forward to sharing that with you and I will bite the bullet and answer some of the questions some folk keep asking me!

    My life is enriched by your love and gracious support.

    Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better :D

    Wil (to live!!)

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  • CANCER - My Magical Mystery Tour (MMT) or THIS IS absolutely, categorically, indubitably and seriously, seriously NOT a (BLEEP) journey!

      8 September 2015
    Main image

    Hello my glitteringly gorgeous guardian angels!!!

    I hope that you are doing ok; I know many of you have your own tuff stuff going on right now and you are in my prayers nightly. I wanted to just check in and update you on my MMT.

    Truly, ineffable, (Sacha and I have a task to use ineffable correctly in a sentence, have I done that?!) heartfelt thank you for veggie drops, notes, emails, donations, texts, cures and prayers, this MMT is not something I can do alone, it is really hard for me to say that, but so true, I am so grateful to have YOU on the MMT with me!!!

    5 O’CLOCK SHADOW ALERT:

    I looked in the mirror last week, and every opportunity since :D) and wondered at the shadows “above” my eyes, on closer inspection it turns out my eyebrows are growing back!! AND I now have nubs for eyelashes, serious progress!!

    I’M LEAVING ON A JET PLANE:

    After much pondering, I am taking the GOD POD (that would be me) to the Gawler Institute in Australia

    http://iangawler.com/Dr-Ian-Gawler-OAM-Meditation-Retreats.php

    from Sept 27th-Oct 8th. YOUR donations have made this possible!!!! THANK YOU

    The retreat is designed especially for folk with cancer, and offers, meditation, exercise, diet and workshops, and stuff I have no idea about yet!

    NEW ADDITIONS:

    Remember I was keen on getting to the bottom of the “Dutch liquorice saga”? Well ART Therapy has turned out to be illuminating. I feel at the super tender age of 48, like a door has been opened that I never knew existed (as I write, Cola the cat is eating the daffodils, why do they do that??). Not only is it swiftly bringing up deep “stuff” for me (not liquorice related but there’s hope), it has also ignited an unexpected - I was going to write passion - but let’s just say, interest for now. I have to be honest and say that it is all very ABSTRACT but so healing that I am going to, once I get back from Gawler find a part time art course, just so I can explore it more!! See the photo next to this update to see art therapy in action!

    Reflexology is also something I have tried since we last “spoke” and I have to say I genuinely felt ‘brighter’ mentally after my first session than I have in some time. I will definitely go again and think this will be part of my healing MMT. CHEMO certainly unwired my ability to remember stuff. I have often had one of your beautiful names come up and I could not possibly put a face to the name. It took 5 days to remember who you were Carolyn!! So reflexology has helped with that.

    Life Coach Session is, well… I have only had one session but my ‘coach’ works specifically with cancer patients, so session one was really about developing a rapport and seeing if we could work with each other. Some really interesting stuff came up, more to come I feel there is (I just had a YODA moment.)

    What I am reading - I always have a lot of books on the go, but one I am enjoying a lot is “Change your thoughts, Change your life” by Dr Wayne Dyer. It’s sound, daily practice stuff and I’m only on day 7 so keep you posted.

    INTERVIEWS AND BOOKS:

    Interviews - I have been approached by a magazine who wants the skinny about my MMT. (I can’t tell you what mag it is, or I will have to order a hit on you. Oh and BTW, I have to share, when they were talking all official like, about terms and conditions, contracts etc., I couldn’t help but say, “Well I know Oprah is coming to NZ, she may want to interview me *grin*, would it be OK to be on her show???, I was a little bit more than astounded when she took me very seriously, and said, ‘that would be fine!!’ LOL bring it on!!)

    I have also just given an interview with the local PORSE magazine, ‘Let’s Porse’ so I shall post both of these articles when they are published later this year

    .

    Book - so get this…someone, who shall remain nameless (although USA based), has approached me about writing a piece to be included in her book, that is loosely (don’t quote me here) about cancer patients and all the things they really want to say!!!

    What’s on my mind - well, more like what’s churning in the pile of mushy chemo infested grey matter right now. I was asked recently if I was going to do all the things on my bucket list. Once I wrote one; a fairly short one (and I really struggled with it) because well, my girls (the jewels in my crown) and husband ARE my Bucket List. Although I also put down… walk the Great Wall of China when I am 50 (2016), live a year in France when the girls leave home…vive la France!!! I am also considering….writing books, putting an album together and sharing my MMT story somehow.

    ON THE MEDICAL FRONT, at a recent Oncologist appointment, I had asked for a second opinion on the liver diagnosis (good call Dave) and as she looked at her sheets of paper on the table, blithely said, “We never should have told you it was a Haemangioma; it was obvious to the radiologist that it was secondaries”. I was a bit bummed, as knowing that going into this MMT would have, I like to think, meant that I would have chosen not to have chemo in the first place. On the other hand, If I had not had chemo I would not know about the liver and would have had surgery etc. and that would have been another kettle of boiled smelly fish. It is what it is…as I say to the girls. It’s what you do NEXT that counts!

    JUST SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT:

    What if we treated everyone we met as though it was their last day on earth, what would that look like to you….would you:

    hold them closer, longer,(could be odd with a stranger but still :D)

    forgive them quicker,

    say sorry and really mean it,

    help them more,

    give them more,

    give them less,

    look them in the eye and really listen,

    go do that special thing,

    spend that money,

    not spend that money,

    laugh more,

    cry more,

    be more careful,

    take more risks,

    tell them you loved them to the moon and back,

    It is such a difficult dance, to be in the now and yet plan for the future. Some have said that when you are living in the NOW that the future takes care of itself. Others say that there is a little of the future in the now. Whatever it is for you, hold your loved ones just that bit closer. Be with them, really be with them, turn off the phone, TV, computer (even put down that book (did I say that?? That’s hard in our house!!) Gaze at your loved one and think, if this was my last moment with you, what would I say/do

    Go well, back at you in Sept for another update!!!

    Wil (to live!!)

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  • An Article Wil Wrote for Kai Tiaki Nursing New Zealand *vol 21 no 4* May 2015

      30 July 2015

    When Wil was about 3 months into her chemo treatment earlier this year, she was asked to write an article for Kai Tiaki Nursing New Zealand Magazine. As a former oncology nurse she wanted to share a perspective from the other side of the fence...

    SPOILER ALERT - grab tissues!

    A one-time oncology nurse has experienced some challenging nursing practice and some compassionate care on her breast cancer journey.

    I knew I had breast cancer, instinctively and intuitively, when the breast screening clinic nurse called as I walked along the beach one morning. The nurse said they had found “something” on my recent mammogram, and they wanted me to come in the next day and get it checked out. Even with this “knowing” I was rocked by the final diagnosis on December 23 last year – cancer in both breasts and in my lymph nodes.

    Out of nowhere my world changed: cancer became the “it” word; hospital visits the norm; and chemotherapy the dreaded “cure”. I write as a 48-year-old-woman, a mother of four, a wife, a trainee psychotherapist and, once upon a time, an oncology nurse. I write of two very different experiences in the hope you will be prompted to reflect on your practice and ways of being with those you care for who also have cancer; that you will be reminded, in the hurly burly of the everyday rush that is the “work”, of the reasons you may have entered nursing, of a pure desire to care for those unable to care for themselves.

    There are many things I could write about, even after only three months of treatment, that would, in my nursing days, have had my eyebrows flying to my hairline – though now, of course, I don’t have a hairline to speak of. I could mention the narrow escape of identifying that staff were about to give me the wrong chemo drugs, or of being given drugs not charted for me; of not being given drugs that had been charted, or of unassigned nurses turning off my chemo treatment when the bag was clearly not finished because it was convenient for “her” at the time and it was “almost” finished anyway.

    I don’t want to downplay or overplay these things. They happen, we are all human and, to be honest, in the scheme of things, they don’t seem such a big deal.

    I do want to share with you, though, what I have found hardest to deal with, what has prompted me to say “yes” to writing this article, when I have chemo brain and am lucky enough to remember that I haven’t said the children can have chocolate for breakfast, lunch and dinner for a week, and that is this – the dehumanising experience of being treated like a number, a diagnosis, a treatment plan, a job to be done, a cancer.

    I remember so vividly my first chemo treatment. Even as I write this, the emotions flood back and tears prick my eyes. I was so anxious, frightened, unsure of what was going on, still not really “getting” that I had cancer, even though I knew I did. Feeling like I had been thrown into a world I didn’t belong to and didn’t want to belong to either.

    I get it, I really do. I know – you have X number of patients, who require X done that day and you need to get it done. As I reflect on how this experience could have been different and more positive for me, and for others, I realise how helpful it would have been if someone had said “how are you?”.

    Really it would have been that simple. “How are you doing/coping/feeling?” and then, if you had waited long enough to hear my probably somewhat choked answer, wanting to hear the answer. I would have succumbed to tears, I would have wanted curtains drawn and tea poured. It would have taken minutes of your time, but it would have meant I would have felt seen, as a woman, as a person, as a fellow human being, not as a task to be finished, a drug to be administered or a cancer to be cured.

    I know most of you became nurses because you wanted to care for others. I know – I was once fuelled with that same desire. Nursing is, indeed, the noblest of professions. You have the opportunity to offer succour when it is needed, compassion when it is called for, reassurance when worlds fall apart.

    I wondered, perhaps, if I was expecting too much, maybe it’s just not “done” that way. Maybe nurses are not about the patient and are more about the procedure. However, I recently had such a contrasting experience, which I want to share with you, that restored my faith and made me believe that compassion and true empathy abound. I sat at the “bus stop” in the hospital, alone, waiting for “my turn”, exhausted, tearful, having slept little, realising I was now thrown into menopause by my next best friend of the moment, chemo, and having learned that my oldest and dearest friend had died after being operated on for bowel cancer.

    I was approached by a nurse, who simply saw my distress, sat quietly with me, didn’t probe, didn’t rush, just let it pass, then thoughtfully showed me to a side room where I could gather myself together. Her kindness and ability to be with me in that moment was compassion personified, was empathy in its trueness.

    Every person you see is a mother, a father, a brother, a son, a daughter, a sister. We are people, we are not cancer, we just happen to have cancer. My heart is full of gratitude to those many of you who magnify your calling, as carers of those many, many folk like me who are, in a moment in time, incapable of caring for themselves, whose experience is made that much more bearable by simple kindness and understanding, I thank you for being you.

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  • An update from Wil

      18 July 2015

    Dear dear friends

    I am overwhelmed by your kindness, prayers, heartfelt messages of love, support and generosity. Deeply moved and humbled by those privately shared messages detailing your own experiences with cancer.

    I also wanted to give back to you as it feels very uncomfortable to just receive and include a link to a (FREE) song that I recorded in January after my first chemo treatment (I had said as a new years resolution “this year I would bite the bullet and put an album together” and though a little delayed it's on my bucket list!!) https://wilmusic2.bandcamp.com/releases

    Lauren, dear Lauren, thought that you might be interested to know what I am currently doing as means of healing myself!

    I figured that there had to be immediate things that I could do for myself and came across a book called Radical Remission: Surviving Cancer Against all Odds by Kelly Turner, Ph.D. In this book she surveyed over 1000 people around the world, who are beating and have beaten the odds. This is the common thread she found and how I'm using it in my life:

    Radically Changing your Diet - I no longer eat meat, dairy sugar or gluten/wheat and do eat eggs and occasionally fish, veg and fruit and green juice daily

    Take Control of your Health - well I think I am doing that!!

    Following your Intuition - I have listened to those promptings, resulting in finding a Chinese herbalist who has been working with cancer patients for years and years with sound results

    Using Herbs and Supplements - I am taking some supplements prescribed by the herbalist to balance my body after chemo for the next 6 weeks and then will have a review to see how things are going!

    Releasing Suppressed Emotions - I guess I need to find out if I am still holding resentment or anger over anything (like the time my sister/brother ate the last dutch liquorice!) so am putting wheels in motion to try some art therapy

    Increasing Positive Emotions - After my last diagnosis I was like, 'I don’t want to die' which I have flipped around to, 'OK I want to LIVE!' and am considering working with a life coach to look forward to a different future, and also roller skating though right now my butt is supper sore!

    Embracing Social Support - Well I have ALL of YOU and all those who are physically close who have absolutely supported us all in the most humbling and practical of ways.

    Deepening Your Spiritual Connection - Working on learning to meditate/pray daily with real intent and purpose

    Having Strong Reasons for Living - I have my beautiful babies and Charles and so much I realise I want to do!

    Exercise - although this isn’t one of her top 9 she does mention it. I am building up slowly with walking and soon will take regular Yoga classes/weights and get back on my beloved bike..it is calling me!!

    I am also looking at what the centres around the world offer and what is available in NZ e.g. Vitamin C injections, Mistletoe injections, hyperbaric treatment, meditation retreats (the Gawler institute in Australia), clinics in Switzerland and Germany.

    What is most important to me? The following Maori Proverb says it all

    He aha te mea nui o te ao

    What is the most important thing in the world?

    He tangata, he tangata, he tangata

    It is the people, it is the people, it is the people

    Maori proverb

    Ka kite ano

    Wilx

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